Golf and Bullshit

Although I have played golf a few times in my life I don’t consider myself a golfer and I realize that I know nothing of the sport but for some reason golf is the sport of the medical field and everyone is a master except me of course. If golfers had mascots they would be doctors. Doctors and other medical professionals that talk to me usually at some point try to talk golf. It’s funny to see their reaction after they get done telling me how good they are and I reply “eh, I’m not a golfer.” It’s like I broke some sort of covenant for medical professionals. They make it seem as if I’m a spy for the other sports sent to infiltrate and get intel on the doctor/golf alliance. There is usually a short silence followed by a sudden, “ok, well see you later,” like they shouldn’t be talking to me.  They never look at me the same afterwards.

If you want someone to believe a load of crap that you are about to give them say it with one of three things; use a percentage, start the phrase with, “scientists say...,” or tell your audience you read it in an article. For instance 84.7% of people will believe anything you tell them when there is a percentage involved. Scientist say breathing under water can be achieved by humans who have a gullible gene. The article I read stated that you see better when you are scared. Now aside from “believe anything you tell them” and “gullible gene” those past few statements seem legit. So next time you want to throw around some bullshit to your friends just remember to add one of the three things to your crap to make it seem possible. By the way I don’t know if you can really see better when you are scared.

Best way to SHAVE money

I'm am  man with a beard, but damn it if I didnt have a beard I would join this club not just to SHAVE money but because the opening ad is F**** awesome.

https://www.dollarshaveclub.com/

Click it, you know you wanna!

 First let me just say that the conclusion of the MRI stated that I have a "normal brain." A normal brain? I don't know how accurate that MRI was but it may have been a little off on that conclusion.

Second, why don't they play music in public bathrooms? I mean really? I have know interest in hearing the person next to me using the toilet. 

Third, how did Slash's hair never catch on fire? You know that hair had some flammable products in it, plus I'm sure his breathe was one shot shy of being a reliable fuel source, and with a lit cigarette always hanging from his mouth... he cheated death or just traumatic baldness.



And lastly, this was a bumper stick of a car in a parking lot. Let me just point out that it was about the size of a normal bumper sticker somewhere around eight inches long and four inches high. But it's not just a few words like, "Shit happens" or "have a nice day." No its the longest sentence in the world. If I was driving and this person was in front of me I would have wrecked trying to read that. Even more I would have to have buried my car into his trunk just to get close enough to read it. When i took the picture I was standing about three feet away and was still struggling to read it. All that aside, after reading it I said to myself, "what the F**** did I just read?" So I read it again. Then again. After the fourth or fifth time I started to get the point of it... I think. Basically I took it as saying, "be yourself." Why didn't it just say that? Thanks a lot Phillip Clapham for making me waste 15 minutes of my life trying to figure out what you are saying. In all honesty he did make it sound cool.

Quote: read the bumper sticker from above.

Banff and MRI

I recently had an MRI of my head just to prove that I do have a brain, which is a billable diagnosis. After the results came back positive for a brain, there were other issues that had shown up. Like for instance the fact that I have a dent in the top of my head. I relate that to one of two things; 1) having an older brother who like to wrestle or 2) I fell on top of my head climbing out of the screen door to escape the confined spaces of the living room when I was a baby, both of which very possible causes. The second area of concern is the knot/bump on the back/top of my head. Again, I relate it to one of the reasons above or from one of the million times I have banged my head on something over the years, ask Nick he can tell you.

 After work and a bite to eat amber and I headed to Wexner Center for the Arts to watch some videos form the Banff Mountain Film Festival World Tour. Basically it’s a collection of outdoor films which included amputees climbing, skiing in Afghanistan, two Brits climbing large cracks out west, a close call in a kayak, and a dog that chases his owner as he races down the mountain on his mountain bike. We also bumped into an old friend and her family and got to enjoy the film in good company. It was something that I’ve wanted to see for the past few years and I finally got to check it off the list. Oh, and I won a hat.  All around it was a good day.

DAMN nature, you scary!

 So recently I was on the ol' interweb and came across a group of picture of animals. After a long look at each I came to the realization that we don't need James Cameron to take us to an alienated place with weird creatures as we watch it on the TV in the comfort of our home, we can just go outside.

Take a look at these two guys; I can only assume they are a type of poisonous frog. Just looking at them makes my eyes hurt. They look fake, that is until you become bloated, red, irritated, itching all over, and vomiting blood because you thought it would be a good idea to pick one up.

Then there is this guy. I don't even know what it is. Assuming it's some sort of underwater creature that only poses for the camera a mere second before attacking you with hidden spikes and yelling some alien language.

Now we have all seen crocodiles and  alligators, but just look at him (or her). The head on it is just as big as some of the people on the boat. They have been known to be mistaken for a floating log in the water completely motionless, then BAM! Croc attack! The bite force on these things is so great that one chomp and there goes your arm, leg, mid section, whatever is there, gone. And never mind that this one is missing an arm, probably from a bigger croc, he can still swim out of the water high enough to prove that the top of the boat is not a safe place either. Not only is there mouth scary, their tales can swing with so much force they can break both legs of a grown man. Can you say dinosaur power?

How about the octopus and squid? They even have a tall cone shaped head with big eyes like the aliens in the movies. Eight tentacles with suction cups, some with spikes, that won't let go of their prey. Some of these things have beaks like a bird. What the hell?

 Speaking of eight... really? OK so this one is self explanatory. A spider. I may have just put this one on there not because they have multiple eyes, eight legs, hair, are poisonous, can jump , and are lighting fast, but because this particular one is wearing a helmet of water. That "helmet" won't protect you from my shoe. I don't care who you are when he moves just a millimeter you jump and yell like a little girl.

Birds. They fly! At any point, if they get mad they can swoop down from above a rein hell down on us. And there isn't just a few. There are thousands of species and large ones too like the guy on the right. Although pretty to look at from a far, piss him off and he can get real close real fast. A bald eagle, our nations symbol of freedom, has a six foot wingspan and razor sharp talons. He is the Chuck Norris of birds.

Turtles and tortoises, not scary right? Well not the guy on the left who weighs a few hundred pounds and has a built on armored house. Slow moving and a plant eater, a gentle giant, the stegosaurus of our time for sure but will outlive any human by a couple hundred years. The age of these things has never been accurately determined because no scientists has lived long enough to keep an accurate record. Then there is the alligator snapping turtle. No not just a plain old regular snapping turtle that can reach out and take off a finger or two, but a snapping turtle on steroids. A beefed up version, so bad ass they gave him two scary animal names alligator and snapping turtle. Spikes, claws, a beak, they can grow to 250 pounds, and will send you home hand less if you are dumb enough to try and touch it.

We live on a deadly, scary planet that will make you nervous to step foot outside and sometimes keep you from staying in. I left out poisonous plants, insects (spider isn't an insect), and the more obvious animals such as lions, bears, sharks, and snakes but i think the examples from above was enough to prove the point.

Oh  I almost forgot this one, the scariest thing on our planet;

(platypus)

WTF?

(I do not own any of these images and will not take credit for them)

Jack and Ted

I got to meet a couple local celebrities this past weekend; 

I met Ted "the Golden Voice" Williams first, not the baseball player but the homeless who became an overnight sensation for his voice (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1cl_fMxQCTw);

Then later that night i had the chance to meet Jack Hanna (http://www.jackhanna.com/)

After waking up from the nap I took after reading my last post I realized that it was on the slightly boring side. So I decided to write another post this week. Actually it's pictures.

Have you ever seen something or witnessed an event that made you think, "Only here could you see this." Alabama is one of those places.

For instance, this is art in Alabama;

This is how the doctors office takes care of something that can't be cured with whiskey and beer.

A family reunion isn't a reunion without the family photo.

And you just might get more than you paid for at the petting zoo.